Things that have improved after becoming single..

•I get to spend more time with my family.
• I can catch up with friends I “wasn’t” allowed to speak to.
•I can finally buy toys, book, clothes, and other things for my siblings
•I have a lot more money in my bank account
•I can spend weekends in SF with my sister. lol ;D

Vent..

The Song I’m Yours by Jason Mraz has always “our” song and we planned to have it played at our wedding one day..

I don’t remember when we first heard that song together but I do remember the night it became so special for us. 

About a year and a half ago we we’re going through rough times and argued constantly. I was sleeping over your house when we began arguing and we fought for so long that night. the constant yelling and screaming in your house as I begged for you for a reason I don’t even remember now. I finally gave in and agreed to let you go and for us to no longer be together and both of us tired we went upstairs to your room to lay down as I was supposed to spend my last night with you. I told myself that I wouldn’t cry and just laid there in bed listening to pandora apologising to you for the way I had acted. I told you that I was so wrong for being such a way and I asked that you wouldn’t be mad at me. you told me that you were fed up and that you were sorry this ended this way.

Soon the song changed and I’m yours began to play… 

we both we’re shocked a bit as the ukulele played and his lyrics began to fill the room. I turned away so that I wouldn’t shed a tear and and silently mouthed the lyrics as the song continued. When I finally turned back to look at you I realized that I wasn’t the only one getting chocked up. Both of us looked at each other as tears ran down our cheeks and quietly sang together. we embraced each other and apologized to each other and from then claimed that song as ours because it saved our relationship….

Now almost two years later the song still hits my heart hard whenever I hear it and it makes me begin to tear. 

I feel so helpless and powerless as our relationship begins to diminish. although we don’t fight often, I’ve began to see a change in you. Whenever we facetime or I get into your car you’re always texting someone and I can clearly see who that person is. I ask you what are you doing and you make some excuse or threaten me so that I will leave you alone. the night when auntie realized you had huge bags under your eyes and that your eyes we’re red you slipped up and said you were up till 3am that morning.

I questioned you what were you doing awake that late at night because you clearly told me that you were so tired and we needed to sleep early that night because we both had work. you made some excuse that you woke up because of a nightmare and I said why didn’t you call me and you left the subject and continued to talk about something else. 

I know what’s going on and I can clearly see that I’m losing you to him and it hurts me so much that I can’t do nothing about it. I can’t confront you because when I do you make excuses and threaten me and tell me that “that’s not how this relationship works” 

This isn’t even much of a relationship anymore its you controlling almost every aspect of my life and our so called relationship, but I turn a blind eye and let you have your way because I love you and would be devastated if you left me. 

Today when we we’re eating at Co Co Ro’s and I used your facetime on your mac to put on my earring I noticed someone else’s name on the recent calls but ignored it so it wouldn’t spoil the dinner.

Later we wen’t to Baby K’s house so that you can try to fix her laptop and my curiosity got the best of me and I went to look at the history of your facetime…

His name was on there and you began your call at 1:37 am and the conversation lasted for an hour…..

you lied to my face and said you had a nightmare and that was why you were awake so late and now I find out the truth. you always try to play around and tell me that you’re going to leave me for him and say that If I make you mad you’ll cheat on me with him. you’re constantly texting him and now facetiming him at night when I’m sleeping thinking everything is going alright in our lives. 

I’ve been fooling myself thinking that everything is getting better. 

you didn’t call me during your lunch and when I called that day you ignored that call. 

come to find out you both we’re at Ono’s eating lunch and you tried to hide behind the fact that your co worker was there. 

I hate the fact that I know whats going on and I’m losing you but their isn’t anything I can really do. 

I feel like I’m just here as a placeholder until you finally decide to leave. 

I can see you slipping from me and I try so hard to keep you to me but it seems like nothing I do is enough…. It breaks my heart every time I see you because I know what’s going on and what one day will happen. I don’t dare to try to threaten you or confront you because I want to have you with me for as long as I can If not forever.

I sat in your car tonight listening to music and began to cry quietly to myself because I know that I’m losing you. you didn’t even notice me and as soon as 9:00pm hit you told me it was time to go. 

No matter how much pain I go through or however many tears I shed you don’t seem to care how I feel. I beg and plead but you firmly ignore my pain.

It hurts so much that I still love you and always will no matter what you do to me and in my mind I will keep thinking to myself that its all my fault and that there is something wrong with me. 

I know it’s because of me that I’m losing you.

all I want now is to have that connection with you like we did almost 2 years ago as we both realized our love for each other as that song played…

It’s my fault we’re like this and I’m sorry…